Balancing Love and Power in Your Relationship

If I were to pick an object to symbolize relationships, I’d choose a seesaw. Have you been on one lately? Constant motion up and down, and very hard to balance perfectly in the air. All of our relationships are a balancing act of power. What does power within our intimate relationship mean? It can mean who makes the weekend plans, division of household labor, who pays for what, and so much more.  

In my relationship, we have an agreement that I cook, and he cleans. But my partner is in school, and sometimes his schoolwork takes up his evening, and I end up doing the dishes too. This is an example of accommodation, where even though he and I didn’t explicitly decide that I’d be doing both the cooking and the cleaning, there’s an understanding that the power balance is a little off, and we’ll even it out next time. The foundation of our relationship allows for this accommodation at times.  

There will almost ALWAYS be an imbalance in power in your relationship. That’s ok! But recognizing who holds how much power and when is key. Because if one partner says to the other “we’ll spend all holidays with my family”, and there was no agreement to that, in fact, it makes you uncomfortable, then that’s a big imbalance.  

In the 7^th and final circle of Seven Circles, you’re asked to examine balance of power in your partnership.  

Ask yourself the following:

In what area(s) of your relationship is power equal?

In what area(s) of your relationship could power be a bit more balanced?

All this isn’t to scare you into thinking that one partner holds more power than the other. Rather, we want you to notice when the power shifts, how it makes you feel when it does so, and have the tools to communicate during the shift itself. This is happening all the time, so have the conversation regularly! When you’re on the seesaw with your partner, you’re going to want to talk about how fast to move, how high you want to go, and when you want to get off!  

Author: Maris Rosenfeld, Community Outreach and Education Coordinator. She really doesn’t like to cook but dislikes the dishes more, so this division of power feels fine.

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