.png)
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years—there’s a lot of obligation to spend this time of year with a lot of people. For some, that can mean more strain on the relationship – more joint decisions need to be made, increased or decreased time together, family drama and trauma impacting our mood, just to name a few things. And for some, even just spending more of this time together as a couple can cause some conflict.
Here are some of our tips for how to manage elevated times of conflict in our relationship:
Find common ground. Remember your shared values with your partner and say them to each other out loud.
Stay on topic. Avoid grouping multiple topics into one conversation; focus on one topic at a time. If you feel unable to stay on topic, that might mean that conversation is uncomfortable for you. Voice that discomfort, and power through to finish the conversation.
Use ‘I’ Statements. While it can be easy to start an argument with “you did…”, it’s important that your feelings stay framed as yours. “I felt frustrated when you said…” rather than “You are so frustrating when…” puts the feelings on you rather than your partner. You are talking about how you feel, not blaming or judging your partner.
Be curious. Use active listening and bring curiosity to your conversations—especially in conflict. Remember that you are on the same team as your partner; listening to what they are saying in an effort to better understand their perspective will make conflict smoother.
Take a breather. It’s ok to walk away if you find yourself getting too frustrated, talking in circles, or feeling extra elevated to the point where you might end up hurting your partner. The goal of conflict is never to harm—it is to come to a mutual understanding, maybe a compromise.
Be respectful. Conflict is not inherently a negative thing. But if it leads to name-calling, blaming, yelling, or otherwise uncomfortable or blatant disrespect of one another’s values or opinions, it’s time to take a step back. If you feel like you are being disrespected in moments of conflict (or moments in general) you can always call SHALVA at (773) 583-HOPE.
As always, remember that conflict is okay. It’s healthy. It shows that you and your partner are willing to work through discomfort. You’ve got this! Seven Circles is always here for you if you need extra tips.
Author: Maris Rosenfeld, Community Outreach and Education Coordinator. She hates conflict but knows it’s necessary for a healthy relationship.
