June 20, 2023

Perfect Doesn't Exist

Let's get real - relationships aren't perfect even if we see those annoying couples on social media posting like they are perfect! Portraying perfection can really be harmful to us and everyone around us. Let's tell you why.

That beautiful couple is on vacation again? Her ‘happy anniversary’ post is 2 paragraphs about how much she loves her partner? They’re never not holding hands when you see them? All of that means nothing about how a couple actually is all the time and it means nothing about what your relationship should be like. We live in a world where we strive to show perfection to the outside world but the reality is, perfection in our relationship doesn’t exist. It literally can’t! A relationship is people coming together from different upbringings, family histories, personalities, interests, and skills. The idea that merging all of that together would create no dissention is impossible. Let’s talk about the ways that relationships are generally imperfect and why it’s ok.

You aren’t going to agree with your partner 100% of the time. That’s a great thing. It shows that you each have your own opinions and you feel safe and comfortable voicing them to each other.
Sometimes things will feel out of balance. At different points, you may want more from your partner than they want from you and it feels unbalanced. That’s life. We have varying moods and needs at different times. As long as it is safe to communicate when you feel things are out of balance, you can get back to what feels right for both of you.
You argue. If a couple tells you that they never argue, they’re either in a brand-new relationship that hasn’t been tested yet, they’re completely avoidant of conflict (which isn’t healthy), or they’re lying. You will have moments of discord with your partner, it’s inevitable. The most important thing is that you can keep your respect for each other intact as you work through your conflict. We have more tips on healthy arguments HERE.

I have a friend who portrayed her relationship as perfect. She was a classic frequent Instagram relationship-poster and she only told me things were amazing. Sure enough they broke up and the stories came pouring out about stressful situations they went through. While processing the break-up, she said something super interesting to me. It was work to make her relationship look and seem perfect, and it added pressure to the relationship itself. Once she started portraying it in such a positive light, she didn’t want to shatter the illusion for anyone, even me, a close friend.

I share this story to encourage us all to talk about our relationships in a real way, especially with friends we know care about us. If we are creating a culture of perfection, we’re not creating a safe space to turn for real advice or support. Let’s strive for a culture of realistic healthy relationships. It takes work, it takes care, and it’s not perfect. Nothing in life is.

Author: Jordyn is the Director of Community Education for SHALVA. She oversees all things Seven Circles. While she loves offering relationship support to her friends, she really loves supporting the whole community!