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Last Thanksgiving, I had the opportunity to partner with JWI YWIN Chicago on a program about healthy conflict around the holidays. I know it’s in poor taste to say I have a ‘favorite’ program, but this one really was awesome. Around 20 women came together to discuss strategies around going home for the holidays and managing difficult family conversations or relationships.
Let’s call it what it is – family drama. Yes, the holidays can be a great time to be together with loved ones who we may rarely get to see, but it can also be a time of stress. Are you worried about seeing Aunt Bea, who is addicted to a news cycle you don’t agree with? Anticipating butting heads with your parent-figures who immediately start treating you like you’re 10 as soon as you walk in the door? Arguing with your partner about how many holidays you’re spending with their family instead of yours? These are just some examples we talked through last year, and some you may be facing today!
Here’s some helpful FAQs to get you through it all (by the way – some family dynamics are significant, and these tips aren’t enough):
- How do I set myself up for success when I’m seeing family who stress me out?
- Consider what your goal is and keep that goal in mind. Maybe it’s that you’re going home for 3 days and you know you want to keep the peace with your parents. Keep reminding yourself that when you are frustrated.
- How can I possibly take care of myself when I’m so stressed about being with certain family members (I’m thinking here about those family members we may not agree with politically, value-wise, etc.)?
- Set realistic expectations with your time together and know when to step away. You are not likely to change anyone’s values or mindset at the dinner table, so decide what kind of conversations you are willing to engage in and what you aren’t. It’s totally ok to zone out if the conversation is getting out of hand and you find yourself getting heated. You can’t control anyone but yourself so stay tuned into yourself. It’s also ok to be vocal when you need a break. Tell the people you’re engaging in conversation with that you need to step away so you can enjoy the rest of the evening. Go for a walk, take a nap, zone out and scroll on social media, whatever works for you.
- Follow-up: I do feel the need to share my opinion with those who don’t agree, I think it’s so important to engage in those types of conversations! Any advice?
- Find common ground. There is something at the core of any argument that people can agree on – name it! For example, we may disagree on how to get to a peaceful and safe community, but we both agree that we want that. Seeing the big picture can often be helpful when looking for common ground.
- Be curious. Ask questions, listen, try to understand their perspective. Even if they don’t offer you the same curiosity on your perspective, you are modeling great behavior that they can reflect on later. Plus, you may learn something!
- My partner and I are at odds about whose family to see! How do we solve this?
- Compromise is tricky. Sometimes there’s going to be a short-term solution to a problem that one person needs to concede on, it’s just the reality of relationships. The most important thing is that you are communicating, finding longer-term balance to common issues like this (I.e. assigning different holidays to different families; switching off each year; hosting the holidays so both families can be invited).
- Hot Tip: Avoid keeping score. It’s a slippery and dangerous slope when someone in a relationship says things like, “We spent 11 days with your family last year and only 6 days with mine. That’s not fair”. Stay focused on the emotion you are feeling about a disagreement, not the specifics. That will lead to a much more valuable conversation.
Wishing you a healthy, loving, safe, and conflict-free Thanksgiving!
Author: Jordyn is the Director of Community Education for SHALVA. She oversees all things Seven Circles. Jordyn’s favorite holiday, by far, is Thanksgiving! She looks forward to hosting every year.
