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How to Be Accountable: A simple, two-step guide:
1) Do the things you say you’re going to do (if you say you’re going to take the trash out, do it!)
2) Say sorry when you mess up
Seems simple, right? In many ways, it is. It shouldn’t be that hard to show up. But accountability in a romantic relationship means more than just an apology or follow-through on a household chore. It means actively listening, creating and honoring boundaries, and communicating when you can and cannot show up in those ways.
Let’s break down what accountability actually looks like in a partnership with those two points above:
-Follow-through: If you are in a committed partnership, typically the idea of locking in and staying true shouldn’t be new. Being able to actually do the things you say you’re going to do (from simple things like vacuuming the carpet to more serious things like wedding vows) is extremely important to your relationship’s health. It shows your partner that they can trust you and what you say. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t moments when you won’t follow through: of course there are, life happens! The key is communicating with your partner that you aren’t going to be able to commit to the task. Keep reading to learn about those times when you miss that point of communication.
-Apologize: This is more than saying “I’m sorry”. What are you sorry for? Sorry that you dropped the ball on taking the dog out? Sorry that you broke your partner’s trust? Get to the root of why your apology matters and how what happened impacted your relationship, and go from there. “I’m sorry that I didn’t take the dog out last night—I know you had a long day and wanted to go to bed early. I will make sure I take the dog out tonight so you can rest, and thank you for taking her out last night.” Apologies only work if they are followed by actual changed behavior, otherwise they are just band-aids for a larger issue.
How do you take accountability in your relationship? Examine the ways in which you communicate what you can and can’t do to your partner, and how you show up when it matters.
Remember, this isn’t supposed to be a “you’re wrong, I’m right” situation—you can really keep it simple: follow-through, and acknowledge when you’ve slipped up. Not only will you help keep balance in your relationship, but you’ll show that you are trustworthy and worthy of respect from your partner.
Seven Circles is a great way to start diving into these topics (plus it gives you the tools you need to communicate through them effectively!) but there are so many other amazing resources out there that dive deeper Check out this article from the Gottman Institute about building trust, or this article about accountability from Esther Perel. And always remember Seven Circles is there for you as part of your foundation.
Author: Maris Rosenfeld, Community Outreach and Education Coordinator at SHALVA.
